So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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