dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
