there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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