I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So. Much. Porn.
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