Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
