when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
