remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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