i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
