no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
