I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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