Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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