She is in my trunk
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
