This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
