i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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