don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
