I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
