why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
