My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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