i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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