My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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