sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
