My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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