That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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