He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
