There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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