Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
