dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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