hotel room ftw
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
