my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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