i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
