I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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