Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
