I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
