can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
