We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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