She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
