i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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