i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
