She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
