So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
