This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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