i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
