a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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