I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
