She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
