Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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