There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He shit in the fireplace
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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