I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
two words...techno handjob
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
