fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
