So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
