The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
